Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Requests For My Funeral.

When it comes to my untimely demise, I have a few requests that MUST be met. Or I will haunt you.

  1. I must be buried in a clear glass casket 
  2. James Earl Jones, William Shatner, Steve carell, Charley sheen and Tina fey must speak at the ceremony.
  3. George lucas, and Gene Roddenberry must fight over my open casket.
  4. After I am buried, everyone must go around punching people in the face and yelling "Level up" In my name.
  5. Everyone in attendance must be wearing Tuxedo's, even the women, in honor of Tuxedo Friday.
Rhys Kiernan. Verbal signature
(Now it's official)  

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

OrchDorks

OrchDorks: We're really sexy and stuff
-Dale Osterman

Co-ed Bathrooms

Dad:"Do you know what the bathrooms are like, Do we need to get you a pair of shoes for the bathroom?"

Me: "I have no idea"

Dad: " Is it a Co-ed bathroom?, If it is than the women will probably keep it clean"

Conclusion: Use the women's bathroom. It's probably spotless!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Guns=Bunnies

Dad: Your mother Google'd the name's of the tenants (this is the best background check she could come up with) and one of them got arrested for fleeing the scene of a gun discharging.
Me: Well if i see a guy shooting a gun, Im gonna start fleeing.
Dad: WHY WOULD ANYONE HANG AROUND PEOPLE WITH GUNS. GUNS EQUAL WHAT, BUNNIES, NO THEY EQUAL BAD.

Body Paint and Sex Lube

As a WSC (Warner Stage Company) Intern, I help with the shows that get put on. Currently the show Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is playing at the Warner. As an intern I have to stay and help with whatever anyone ask's, for the final stretch before the show we rented the real Chitty car. Even though this is a replica car the electronics, motors, wheel's, etc. need proper lubrication before the show. Obviously no one want's to crawl under the car and lube everything, So i get the privilege of doing it before every show.

Also as the show creeps near, things need to get painted. I seem to constantly stick my hand in wet paint, so by the time I leave I have multi-colored hands.

When I get home I try to get all of the paint and lube off of my hands, so the 45 minuets when i get home is basically just me washing my hands. Obviously the crazy from my mom has rubbed off on my dad because he keeps asking me why I wash my hands so much. My only response is " to get the paint and lube off of my hand's." My dad's response to this is "What, are you having sex at the theater and you have to get rid of the body paint and sex lube?!"

Sometimes I wonder where my parents come up with this stuff.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Drunk Gardening

My mom got a strange thought in her head awhile back, "People seem to get great ideas, and get really creative when under the influence of alcohol. Therefore if i get drunk, i can get really creative with the garden in the backyard."

She proceeded to get all of her plants, soil, etc. and two bottles of wine. When she gets to the garden, she chugs the two bottles of wine, and starts thinking about what she's going to do.
(3 HOURS LATER)
I go to check on my mom, and she is sitting in a lawn chair staring at the back of our house. I look at the lawn and it is.......strange to say the least. I ask my mom what she did and she said "Well duh cant you see, I figured out that the idea in my head looks REALLY bad on the lawn, Time for round two."

Friday, July 22, 2011

Example of why my mom is crazy

As you could tell from my previous post "The up's and down's of having Tenants" there is one of out rooms that smell like, to put it lightly, bad. So my mother being how she is grabbed her giant stick of sage, that she has had for just about a thousand years at this point, and started burning it in the room to get rid of the smell. Coincidentally we had served eviction papers just this very morning to a different troublesome tenant (who shall remain nameless to preserve their dignity).

While the tenant walks by watching my mom wave the incense in the room right next to his, he think's that my Mother is putting " a voodoo curse to get him out of the room." his exact words were, "What are you trying to do, I already got the papers, I don't need the voodoo curse to get me out of here."

For those that don't know, my mother is....well.....crazy, absolutely crazy. So she decided to take advantage of this superstition, and starts waving the sage in front of his window to drive him out. she has been doing this for so long that her stick of sage had run down, so she tried to put out the fire on the sick by rubbing it out on the front stairs, upon further inspection she had drawn three X's on the front stairs, and the rope that held the sage together had burnt and broke, so she tied it to the front doorknob.

The tenant walks back to the house and looks twice at the "cursed" stairs. He jumps up the three stairs and then looks at the rope tied to the door. At this point he starts FLIPPING OUT and says "(While on the phone) Im gonna call the cop's, she practicing voodoo to get me out of here, she's harassing me with all this stuff."

Now, my dad is no better he suggests that she buy chicken feet from the store (im gonna go around with pictures telling people not to sell to her.) along with red paint and tie it to his door, and leave some in his room.

I fully expect my mom to go crazy and start eating bats in his room in the middle of the night. like the rest of her crazy Jamaican family.